Know the Score - Info & Advice on Drugs In Scotland
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Kim's Story
Kim, aged 36, is an ex-cocaine addict who has been clean for two years. She explains her 10 year addiction to cocaine.
"My name is Kim and I am a recovering addict. I got into the fellowship of Cocaine Anonymous three years ago as I knew I had serious problems with my drug use and in my life. However, I did not stay and now know that I wanted the problems that drugs were causing in my life to be taken away but not my drugs! The carnage and destruction I caused to myself and others until I got back to the rooms of CA via a treatment centre two years later proved to me that addiction only gets worse, never better.
Today thanks to CA, people at meetings and the 12-step program I live a life beyond my wildest dreams, alcohol and drug free one day at a time.
Drugs were always in my life. I abused prescribed medication throughout my teenage years. At secondary school I took acid regularly and drank alcohol. When I passed my driving test at 17 I started abusing amphetamines. I lost my first good job after falling asleep in the toilet after a week-long bender.
I was involved in the club scene, working and partying as well as holding down a full time job and training at college. Throughout all of my twenties I did not think I had a problem despite the fact I could not leave the house without being stoned. I used to scoff at people that did not live the way that I did. I always thought work hard, party hard - that was the way I lived and I did not have a problem.
I used cocaine for the first time on my 21st birthday but I didn’t like it. I couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about. I was more into mind altering drugs and with coke I didn’t feel a thing. Then I started to get into it more and more. I was dabbling in it once per month or every other weekend but only using it if someone else had it. I used it like that until I was 26.
Then I got to the stage when I was using it everyday. The last five years of my addiction just crept up on me. I was hanging out with glamorous people and constantly partying. I was dealing coke and I had people all around me; my flat was like the pub. Everyone came to my house. The party started on Thursday and went right through to Monday morning. I didn’t go to bed all weekend and went straight to work. I lived like that for 2 years. It made me feel great but I was having panic attacks and was in denial about it and blamed them on doing yoga since it makes you aware of your breathing!
Cocaine and Crack became a daily habit by the time I was 31. I still thought I was okay as I made it to my work. I was self-employed. I lied, cheated and stole to fund my using from clients, partners, family, friends until eventually I was a paranoid wreck sitting at home alone smoking crack, taking cocaine and dabbling in heroin. It took a further 4 years of this before my health started to deteriorate badly.
Before I knew it all my so-called friends had gone and I found myself on a park bench with a gram of coke, a pipe, a joint, valium and a bottle of whisky. I was completely isolated, I didn’t want to be with anyone. I couldn’t communicate with friends and family. I was dead inside, my health and physical body where so weak that my mouth, gums and tongue were completely ulcerated and I only had to cough and my ribs would crack.
One of my friends tried to get me off it and I left Glasgow. I was devious and although I said I wasn’t using drugs I would disappear on benders to London and Glasgow. I borrowed £1000 from my friend with the intention of paying off debts but blew it on coke in one go. I ended up in accident and emergency four times with pains in my chest and my heart racing – I could see my heart pumping and jumping out of my body. I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die.
I could not be trusted with my friends and relationships either. My boyfriend, who thought that I had stopped and did not know how much I was using, was amazed by the amount of nights that "friends" had problems and were coming round for a chat. We used this as an excuse to use coke in the kitchen, which I was dealing from our house.
Physically I was a mess and coke affected my eyes and my nose. I had pus coming out of my eyes and no cartilage left in my nose, only a hole. I couldn’t sleep, my jaw was constantly clenched and sore, I was in agony and thought that I was going mad. But I was still taking coke thinking that it would all go away. I would get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo and take a couple of lines and then go back to my bed. I always had it beside my bed. Today I still have mucus coming from my nose, which goes hard and then drops off – not at all glamorous. My nose is damaged and painful and I cannot suffer any trauma to it.
Eventually I admitted defeat. I then realised that I did not have a life and had lost everything that was important to me, relationships, material possessions, financial gains, jobs, everything I cared about, including myself, and my confidence.
I believe I had a spiritual awakening when a friend took me on holiday. When sitting on a hilltop I burst out crying announcing that I did not want to die. I got admitted to a treatment centre and spent 6 months there afraid, lonely and very confused. I did not know who I was, what I was, where I was. I had the same feelings when I left that treatment centre but thanks to the people in the rooms of CA who loved me until I could love myself. I am now 23 months away from my last drink or drug and that is a miracle. There is a life beyond addiction and it is beyond my wildest dreams.
Coke is a very subtle, cunning and addictive drug. It makes you feel top class. But it slowly starts to sneak up on you and strips away everything about your personality – physically and mentally. It makes you do things you would never normally do. You end up lying, cheating, thieving, losing your family and friends and even sleeping with people if you thought they would give you drugs.
I am glad to be clean and sober and have so much gratitude to feel reborn and no longer a slave to a substance."
Phone the free and confidential 'Know the Score' information line on 0800 587 587 9, to speak to a trained advisor. Calls from landlines are free and will not show up on the phone bill. Or, you can visit the Know the score website at www.knowthescore.info.
Cocaine Anonymous Helpline Tel: (0141) 959 6363